


More like a memory

by Oh_no_izzy



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Also I'm totally winging this whole thing, Anxiety, Depression, Eventual Lams, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, I have no plan, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mental Hospital, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, because Alex is there to save him, completely random updates, eating disorder kinda, for now, he can actually go die, how dare he hurt my poor bby, in other news, it's ok tho, literally no update schedule whatsoever, ok I'm done, the chapters write themselves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-03-04 03:11:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13355271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oh_no_izzy/pseuds/Oh_no_izzy
Summary: Alex Hamilton has had enough of being hurt and abandoned by countless people. He decided to do it himself this time before anyone else can.





	1. Stay Alive

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic on here so any sort of constructive criticism would be gladly appreciated. This fic deals with the topic of suicide quite explicitly and there are mentions of child abuse. If any of this bothers or triggers you, i urge you to click away.

_I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory. This is where it gets me. My mind feels like a hurricane, bad thoughts non-stop. My past haunts me, no one was ever satisfied with who I was. I've been hurt in so many ways. I felt so helpless, I didn’t know how to say no. I know nobody cares for the bastard orphan immigrant. To all those who hurt me to the point of suicide, all I can say is congratulations..  
-A.Ham _

Alex signed the note, his hand shaking as a single tear slid down his cheek. _Calm down_ he told himself, _it’ll all be over soon, you won’t have to deal with any of this anymore._

Taking a deep breath, Alex grabbed the final four pills and swallowed them with a gulp of Vodka. As he waited for the effects to set in, all he could think about was his awful life. His mother dying in his arms on his 12th Birthday, the short 2 months with his cousin before he killed himself. How he escaped the Caribbean,by sending his retreated father a letter describing the carnage that killed so many,somehow people saw his writing and set up a fund for him to go to a foster home in New York and get an education. The Kings abused and tortured Alex, he was sent from one foster home to the next, each time either sent back because they couldn’t handle him or because of abuse of all kinds, it was all the same. Now, finally he landed with the Washington’s and their adopted son, Gil. It hadn’t even been a week yet but this time, Alex wasn’t going to let them kick him out or hurt him, Alex was going to do it himself.

Suddenly, Gil fell into Alex’s room with a crash, “Mon ami! Je suis desole. I’m sorry. I mean to knock but the door, how you say, came open,”  
Avoiding his eyes, Alex looked up at him, “It’s okay, Gil. I think I accidentally broke the door the first day I got here. What’s up?”  
Gil looked directly into his eyes, as if trying to see into his soul. Alex shifted uncomfortably and stared at his hands, praying he couldn’t sense that something was wrong.  
“mon ami, is something the matter?” he asked, concern on his face.  
Alex took a deep breath, begging his voice to sound normal, “Nah, I’m fine. No need to worry,” but Alex could tell Gil was already concerned. His eyes scanned the room, landing on the note.  
“Ooh, mon ami! Have you written something? I must read it, I love your writing!” Excitedly, he snatched up the paper. before Alex could stop him, he was reading it aloud,  
“ _I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory._ You talk about death a lot, mon petit lion,” Alex so badly wanted to snatch the paper out of his hands, but he knew it would raise suspicion. Alex was terrified, knowing in just a few seconds, Gil would find out it wasn’t another of his essays.  
“Gil, you don’t want to read that, trust me, its really not interesting,” Alex tried weakly.  
“Nonsense, mon ami! I always love your writing, I could never find it anything but interesting!” he read on, “ _this is where it gets me. My mind feels like a hurricane, bad thoughts non-stop._ ” Gil’s face turned from excitement to concern as he read on, “ _My past haunts me, no one was ever satisfied with who I was, I've been hurt in so many ways. I felt so helpless, I didn’t know how to say no. I know nobody cares for the bastard orphan immigrant._ Alex no!” Gil cried, tears streaming down his face as he ran to hug Alex. Suddenly Alex felt his vision blurring as nausea overcame him, “I’m so sorry Gil,” he whispered, barely audible as darkness overtook him. 

“GEORGE! MARTHA! Come quick!” Gil screamed louder than he’d previously thought possible. Gil could hear the sound of loud, thumping footsteps racing up the stairs. George and Martha rushed in, confusion and worry on their faces.  
“Gil, what’s going on?” Martha asked, looking into Gil’s tear stained face.  
“c'est alex! Il a écrit cette note, je pense qu'il a essayé de se suicider! Il s'est simplement effondré!” Gil cried in rapid-fire French.  
“ Calm down Gil, it’s okay. Count with me Gil, breathe. Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre, Cinq, Six, Sept, Huit, Neuf,” George soothed, counting in french until Gil’s breath was steady once again, while Martha dialed 911, “now could you try to repeat what you said, in English so we understand?”  
Gil took a breath and translated the sentence, “It’s Alex, he wrote this note. He tried to kill himself! He just collapsed,” Gil started sobbing, “there was nothing I could do!” Gil collapsed and gripped onto Alex, sobbing.  
George put his arm on his shoulder and spoke to him quietly, “shh I know. You did everything just right.” The scream of the ambulance sirens broke Gil from his thoughts as he snapped to action and carefully stood, Alex in his arms and carried him to the ambulance stretcher. George went in the ambulance with Alex, while Martha and Gil drove to the hospital in their car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For now, I'm going to try this as a oneshot. I have other chapters dealing with the aftermath but I find it difficult to update regularly and keep interest on one thing opposed to making several oneshots...
> 
> Also the french is brought to you by google translate


	2. Not Your Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex wakes up and has to deal with the aftermath of his actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, here it is... Not the greatest but people were asking for more..

He sat up, wincing at the pain in his throat. Dizzy and disoriented, he closed his eyes. A shiver ran down his spine as he recalled what happened during his conversation with Gil. Alex noticed how white everything was, it was almost blinding. _Is this heaven?_ Alex thought, smiling to himself, _finally, I got something right for once!_  
“Alexander Hamilton?” A soft voice broke him from his thoughts. Alex looked up. A woman, with a white coat was at the door, holding a clipboard. _I guess I can’t even kill myself properly_ , he thought.  
“Alex your parents and brother are here for you, should I send them in?” Alex nodded but winced at her choice of words,  
“foster,” he muttered under his breath.  
“what was that sweetie?”  
“George and Martha are my foster parents, my real parents are dead and gone,”  
She flinched back at his harsh words, “I’m sorry sweetie,” she said in a sickly sweet voice, before leaving to bring someone in. Alex closed his eyes and prepared for the questions, the hurt, the lies that they care. He wasn’t new to this, he’d tried to kill himself 5 times now, each with a different method, all of which had failed.  
“Alex,” George said, his voice cracking. Alex wanted to say he was sorry, that he wouldn’t do it again, that he’d be okay, but he was sick of lies. He knew he would try again the second he was let free. There was a moment of awkward silence before George spoke again, “Son, why didn’t you tell me?” Alex flinched at the use of ‘son’ and the pity he could hear dripping from George’s voice.  
He snapped, “I’m not your son!” George winced as a tear slipped from Alex's eye. He knew he wouldn’t be sitting on a hospital bed, after his 5th suicide attempt if his real parents were here. He wouldn’t have had to endure the torture from his countless foster parents.  
“I’m sorry Alex, I should go” George got up and as he turned to leave, Alex could see tears forming in his eyes. _Great, now you’ve really messed it up._ Alex knew it was only a matter of time before George either hurt or abandoned him, he just hoped he’d have a bit more time to kill himself before it happened again.  
After a few minutes, Gil came into his room, lacking the bounce in his step it usually had. _Because of me_ , he thought.  
“Hey, Gil,” Alex croaked.  
Gil looked on the verge of tears, “Mon Petit Lion, why?” Gil broke down, sobbing on Alex’s bedside. Alex tried to comfort him, but ended up in tears as well. Alex took a deep breath, “I’m sorry Gil, everything just got too much. Everyone I’ve met has hurt or left me, I had to leave before it happened again,” Alex hated how shaky and frail his voice sounded, he wanted Gil to be happy, he hated that Gil had to see him like this.  
“Alex…” Gil cried, “George and Martha would never hurt you like those monsters of your past. We can’t undo what has been done, we can’t change the past but we can change the future,” Gil gave Alex a watery smile, “things are going to be okay now, Mon Ami. I believe in you ,”  
At that, the nurse from before came back reluctantly, standing warily at the door, as she told them that visiting hours were over. Gil hugged Alex carefully and planted a soft kiss on his forehead, “rest up, Mon Petit Lion, I’ll see you tomorrow.”


	3. Can't Say No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex gets some news and he's not too happy about it. On a lighter note, he and George make up.

"Suicide attempt….psych ward…therapy…depression…" Alex didn't mean to overhear snippets of the conversation, in fact he wished he hadn't, but he couldn't stop listening once he realized the conversation was about him. It's not like he had much choice, they were talking in his doorway and it wasn't like he could move anywhere, he was attached to an IV. Alex sighed loudly and shuffled around the bed, to make a noise so they would realize he was awake.  
"Alex! You're awake," George exclaimed.  
"Unfortunately so," Alex joked, instantly regretting it when he saw George's face, "I'm just kidding," he added quickly, not wanting a repeat of the previous day.  
"How are you doing Alex?" he asked. Alex resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He'd hurt George yesterday, and had no plans to do so again.  
"I'm doing okay, I guess. As well as I could be, given the fact that I tried to kill myself a couple days ago,"  
"Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable?"  
"Accept my apology?" Alex said in a small voice. Ever since he'd snapped at George, he couldn't get it out of his mind, "I'm really sorry for yesterday. You were trying to help me and I snapped. It was stupid of me, I don't deserve it but could you please forgive me?" Alex looked at George, whose eyes were brimming with tears,  
"S-Alex, thank you for the apology, but there's nothing to forgive. You've told me before you don't like to be called son," He took a deep breath, "I'm the one who should be begging for forgiveness, I'm so sorry I was such a terrible foster father that I didn't see that you were hurting, I'm sorry you didn't feel you could trust me enough to tell me how you felt," they were both crying now. After a few minutes, Alex finally spoke up,  
"It's not your fault. None of this was your fault. I swear, you've been the best foster father, or any kind of father, I've ever had," Alex reached out and hugged George, sobbing on his shoulder.  
Suddenly there was a knock at the doorway, " I'm sorry to intrude on you but I have some things I need to tell you," the nurse smiled at Alex as George stood up to greet the nurse, "Alex, I understand that what I say may upset you, but I ask you to remain calm and trust me when I say that it's going to help you, okay?" Alex felt panic build in his stomach but nodded, not looking at her.  
"Okay, Alex, your foster father and I have agreed that you have healed from any lasting injuries so you will move to our psych ward for a week, starting tomorrow, to help you learn how to better deal with your depression and suicidal thoughts," Alex felt his hand ball into a fist as he tried to regulate his breathing. He didn't want to go to a mental ward, he just wanted to die, or at least to go home.  
"H-How does putting me on a mental ward help me? I just want to go home," Alex asked as he tried and failed yet again to control his breathing. George put his arm around Alex and began to count with him, "Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre, Cinq, Six, Sept, Huit, Neuf," soon Alex's breathing evened out.  
George spoke in a soft voice, looking into Alex's eyes, "It'll be okay Alex, if you cooperate with the ward staff, you could be out by Saturday," Alex counted the days, It was Sunday, which meant he'd be stuck on the ward for 6 days. He could survive that, on one condition.  
"Can I bring my laptop?" He asked, "or my notebook and a pen?" Alex knew he wouldn't survive that without being able to write when he needed to.  
"that sounds like a great idea, Alex!" the nurse replied, "you can bring in a book and a pen with you. Many people who struggle with mental illness find that writing helps," At that the nurse walked away, followed by George, who had left so Gil could talk to Alex alone . While he was waiting for Gil, Alex's mind went to the cuts and scars on his leg. He wondered if he should tell someone about it, cooperation and all. However, he hated the sad, pitying looks he got whenever people saw him, like he was a kicked puppy or something.  
"Mon ami, are you okay?" Alex jumped  
"I guess…" Alex sighed, he should have known Gil would notice when he was upset.  
"Alex, you know you can tell me anything, right? I know we've only known each other for a week and a half, but I care about you,"  
Alex closed his eyes, he decided to tell Gil but he just didn't know how.  
"Je me suis coupé!"  **(i cut myself)**  he said, in rapid french, so fast he wasn't sure if Gil really heard him, but when he saw Gil's wide eyes, there was no questioning it.  
"No!" He cried "why do you have to deal with so much pain?" Alex and Gil held each other, each clinging on to the other as if their lives depended on it.  
George walked into the room and saw the boys, crying as they held onto one another, "what's wrong?" he asked.  
It was Gil who finally spoke after a few beats of awkward silence, "Alexandre just told me that he has been… how you say, hurting himself?" A flash of sadness came over George's face as he bent down next to Alex,  
"It was so brave of you to tell Gil that, I'm so proud of you,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to continue to post these chapters, as i don't think they are any good, but i guess people wanted to see more so here it is. Hope you enjoyed. Please review.


	4. Aaron Burr, Sir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex meets his new roommate, as well as his new crush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, wow ,that chapter really wrote itself! I'm going to add some extra warnings for this chapter.  
> **mention of suicide, mention of self harm, metions of abuse, internalised homophobia, mention of homophobia, psych ward, metioned panic attack, course laguage (sh*t, f*ck, h*ll)**  
> Also I have no idea what happened with Aaron. He completely wrote himself. I suppose he is like he is to protect himself from breaking down daily, but just be warned, He's not the quiet "talk less" guy you all know. I'm sorry he's so OOC

Before Alex knew it, he was out of his bed and in yet another white-walled room, answering questions about himself.  
"What is your full name and age?"  
"Alexander Hamilton. 16," Alex answered flatly.  
"are you on any medications?"  
"I was taking some sleeping pills before I – before I overdosed on them," he answered.  
The nurse nodded her head, "Alexander, the next few questions are a bit personal, but it's standard procedure to ask everyone who we admit here," Alex nodded, he'd expected to be asked more sensitive questions.  
"Have you ever had thoughts of self-harm or suicide?" Alex nearly laughed humorlessly, "I've done both," he answered.  
The nurse scribbled something down on her clipboard, "Could you elaborate on that?"  
"I've been cutting myself for nearly 3 years now and I have attempted suicide 5 times," Alex answered, slightly uncomfortable at talking about his cutting.  
"Do you still feel like ending your life?"  
"well I mean I still feel like shit and I want to die, but I don't plan on it," He answered honestly  
"Okay honey, we're nearly done, just a few more questions. Have you ever had a panic attack?"  
"yeah, I get them a lot,"  
Nodding and scribbling on her clipboard once again, the nurse finished the session, "thank you for helping me with that. Sit tight for a minute and John will come and give you a tour of the place before dinner,"  
As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. "You can come in, John," the nurse called. John couldn't have been too much older than him, he had long dark brown hair pulled back into a ponytail and an array of adorable freckles all across his face. His hazel eyes pierced through Alex. _Wait a minute, 'adorable'?_  He couldn't believe he just thought of this stranger as adorable, that was wrong on like 50 different levels.  
"John Laurens," the man said extending a hand. Alex shook it firmly  
"Alex Hamilton, it's nice to meet you,"  
"The pleasure is mine. Oh look at the time – we must get going before dinner starts," John smiled, leaving Alex completely helpless, like a lovesick puppy.  _Wait no, what am I saying? Cut it out, Hamilton._  John started walking out of the room, Alex not too far behind. John led him to a room with several beanbags, a television and 4 tables. "this is the 'hang-out' zone, where most of the patients go to socialize. It's also where Group is held." Alex couldn't help but cringe at the thought of group therapy. They then went into what was obviously the rooms they'd be sleeping in. "Down here are the dorms. Girls on the left, Boys on the right. At the very end of each hall, you'll find a restroom, complete with showers and toilets. Your room is B11, and your with Aaron. I'm afraid I can't stay any longer, I'm needed in the cafeteria. I'm sure Aaron would be more than happy to help you find the cafeteria," he said. Alex nodded and made his way to room 11.  
The room certainly not a five-star hotel, but it had what they needed. There was a bed and small wardrobe on either side of the room, with a desk squeezed in between. When he arrived, there was a boy about his age laying on his bed, reading a book. Alex knocked on the door.  
"Hi, my name is Alex Hamilton. I guess I'll be rooming with you for the next week or so," He said.  
The boy got up, folding the corner of the page to not lose his place in the book. "I'm Aaron Burr, welcome to hell," Alex chuckled nervously and walked to the unoccupied side of the room and began unpacking.  
"so what're you in here for?" asked Aaron, as Alex threw a soft blanket onto his bed.  
"5th suicide attempt, self-harm," Alex said, "you?"  
Burr smiled "10 suicide attempts," Alex nodded.  
"what happened to your last roommate?" Alex asked, curiosity taking over.  
"He was released from hell a week ago,"  
"How long until you're released?"  
" Not for a while. I've been stuck in hell for nearly 6 months now, keep finding new ways to kill myself. I broke into the meds cabinet once, needless to say they weren't too happy with me after that," he chuckled humorlessly, as a loud bell echoed throughout the ward, "well shit, we gotta go,"  
"So, what's your sob story?" Aaron asked while they were eating their meal of what Alex could only describe as gluggy rice and overly chewy chicken in a bland sauce that reminded him of the taste of paper. Again, certainly not a five-star Hotel (seriously who was the chef?).  
"my sob story?"  
"well you don't try to kill yourself for fun, do ya?"  
Alex looked at his hands, he wasn't sure he was ready to tell this virtual stranger his life story, but he felt he would end up doing a lot of that in his time at the psych ward, so he might as well get used to it, "Mom died and dad left, leaving me to get thrown into the lottery of the system and constantly got the short straw. I've been through it all, abuse, neglect, you name it, I've been through it," he said, trying to sound as carefree as Burr, but instead, it came out weak and pathetic.  
"Shit man, I feel ya. Homophobic abusive dad, mum that can't even help herself, let alone her kids." Alex wondered how Aaron managed to speak so carefree about things like that. Soon dinner was over and Alex followed Burr back to the room.

*****

"It's visiting day tomorrow," Alex said a small smile on his face.  
"Hamilton?"  
"yeah?"  
"go the fuck to sleep, Hamilton. It's the middle of the night,"  
"I don't sleep, Burr, you know that,"  
"HAMILTON"  
"yeah"  
"shut the fuck up,"  
"okay"


	5. Let me offer you some free advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex goes to his most dreaded part of this whole situation, group therapy. Will it be the absolute hell he imagines, or will he be able to get past his reservations and enjoy it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, I wasn't expecting such a positive reaction to this story. I thought I'd be my only reader, despite maybe some flames to keep me warm. I'd just like to thank everyone who took the time to read, comment, bookmark or give kudos. It means everything to me.  
> (also title names are getting a lil tricky. I hope this one wasn't a complete fail. I've been listening to the soundtrack for the sole purpose of finding lyric chapter titles. A+ for effort, right?)

Alex was sitting at his bed, hunched over his notebook, scribbling furiously. He was interrupted by a knock at the door,  
"Boys, it's time to wake up and get dressed and ready for breakfast in 10 minutes," John said. Alex chuckled to himself, he'd been awake all night, as usual, Alex Hamilton rarely slept.  
"Morning John," Alex chirped, as Aaron yawned and sat up.  
"Hello Alex, did you have a good night?" John asked, knowing Alex likely stayed up all night.  
"Sure," Alex answered, "I'm writing something. You can read it if you'd like," Alex said proudly, handing the book to John.  
"Of course. You know how much I enjoy reading your writing, Alex!" He said enthusiastically. He took the book from Alex and started reading it, nodding along with what was written on the page. A minute or so later, John set the book down on the desk, "Alex, this is really good! Where did you learn to write so well?" John enthused. Alex looked to the ground, he wasn't use to receiving so much praise over...well, anything.  
"I never used to have anything to do I my free time, so I read every book I could get my hands on," he answered. Suddenly a loud bell sounded, signalling that the cafeteria was open for breakfast.  
"we should get going,"  
Breakfast went by quickly, without any drama, and soon it was time for Group. Burr, John and Alex walked into the room and sat on the beanbags. While initially, Alex was dreading even the thought of Group therapy, he soon found that John was running the session, and with him around, nothing could be awful. _Watch it, Hamilton._ Once the other 8 of them filed in, John stood up and introduced himself,  
"Good morning everyone! My name is John Laurens, I'm a volunteer at the psych ward over the summer and I'll be leading group this week. Today we are going to talk about coping skills. To start out we'll go around the circle, introduce ourselves and one thing we like about ourselves. I'll start, My name is John and one thing I like about myself is my kindness," John gestured to a girl on his left.  
"I'm Maria, I'm pretty good at drawing," Around the circle they went, until finally it was Alex's turn,  
"My name is Alexander Hamilton. _(A/N and there's a million things I haven't done...)_ Um, I guess I like my writing,"  
John stood up again, reaching into his backpack, and grabbing 10 sheets of paper, "Okay, everyone, pass this paper around. On your paper, I want you to write 5 coping skills you use, good or bad," Alex tried his attention to the paper and numbered 1-5.

_Alex Hamilton - Coping Skills_  
\- Cutting  
\- Writing  
\- Listening to music  
\- Reading  
\- Drawing 

Alex finished the sheet and set it down, waiting for the others to finish.  
"Alright, great job guys, would anyone like to share?" Alex raised his hand slightly, "Okay, Alex. Shoot,"  
"Drawing, reading, listening to music, writing and cutting," Alex answered.  
John nodded, "Okay Alex, which of those are unhealthy coping skills?"  
"Cutting," Alex eventually answered.  
"Perfect, who can tell us some healthier alternatives to self-harm?" 3 hands shot up. "Maria?"  
Maria stood up and answered, "ice cubes,"  
"yes! Holding ice cubes can definitely help alleviate the urge to self-harm, well done, Maria. Abigail, what do you think?"  
The girl next to Alex - Abigail stood, "The butterfly project," John nodded, gesturing for her to elaborate, "You draw a butterfly on yourself and name it after someone who wants you to get better. The rules are that you can't rub it off; if you hurt yourself in any way, it kills the butterfly. You have to keep the butterfly safe until it fades away. The goal is to keep the butterfly safe; the butterfly keeps you safe if you keep it safe,"  
"That's a great idea, Abigail. You know what, I think we should all give ourselves butterflies to take care of," John passed around a bucket of felt tip pens and everyone drew butterflies for each other and signed their names underneath them. Once everyone had butterflies drawn on them, John spoke up once again,  
"Great work today guys! Your ideas were awesome, I have an idea I'd like to share with you before we finish up today. It's called the 15 Minute Rule, When we get that urge to use an unhealthy coping skill, like self-harming, we tell ourselves to wait 15 minutes. If after that 15 minutes, we still want to do it, we can. Or we can choose to wait another 15 minutes. This way, you are in control in a situation where you otherwise may not be. On that note, it's time for us to go. Thanks for being so great today,"  
Well that wasn't as bad as I'd expected, Alex thought to himself as he waked into his bedroom to meet with his visitors.  
"Alex, mon ami! It's so good to see you. How are you doing?" Gil bounded up to Alex and gave him a hug.  
Martha walked into the room and gave Alex a hug after Gil, "Hello Alex sweetie. George says to give you a hug for him, he had to be at work and couldn't visit today,"  
Alex smiled, he was happy to be surrounded by his family, who cared about him, "Hi guys. I'm doing okay. It's not as bad as I thought here, but I can't wait to get home," Martha smiled and nodded as Gil hugged him again. They talked for a while, not noticing the time fly by.  
Suddenly, John knocked on the doorway, "I'm sorry to interrupt, just wanted to let you guys know that visiting hours are over in five minutes,"  
Martha stood, kissed Alex on the forehead before standing to leave, "I'll leave you two alone for the last five minutes. I'll come pick you up at 10:30 tomorrow morning to take you home,"  
Gil looked up to thank John for telling them when his eyes widened, "John? Is that you, mon ami?"  
John looked up at Gil, "Wait, Lafayette?"  
"Oui, mon ami, what brings you here?"  
"I'm doing an internship at the hospital over the summer, I thought I told you that"  
Gil nodded, understanding washing over his features, "of course! I'm sorry, I completely forgot,"  
A bell sounded, signalling that visiting hours were over. "goodbye, mon petit lion, I'll see you tomorrow." Gil said as he walked out the door.  
Alex turned to John, "You know Gil?"  
John nodded, "yeah, he and I have known each other since kindergarten," he answered, laughing slightly.  
"what's so funny?"  
"oh, I'm sorry, I've just never heard anyone besides George and Martha call him Gil," he answered, "Come on, the others planned a little party to celebrate your release tomorrow."  
"Are they that happy to see me leave?" Alex joked, earning a light chuckle from John,  
"haha, no they do this for everyone, it's a bit of a tradition,"  
"more like an excuse to have a party," Alex laughed, "but hey, I'm not complaining,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lil disclaimer: The butterfly project and the 15 minute rule are not mine, i found them while struggling with self harm and for a period of time, they worked. I don't know exactly where from the interwebs i got them, but if you search them, you'll find them.


	6. Raise a glass to freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex celebrates his freedom with cheap wine that lets out some of his feelings ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. yep i'm double posting chapters again, don't get used to it, seriously. I have like no schedule. This might be the last time you see me for a month or i might update again today. I like to spice things up, leave you wondering. Or maybe I'm just awful at doing anything regularly and not keeping to a schedule puts less pressure on me if my lovely mind decides to go to shit for a bit. Anyway, sorry about that little ramble, Enjoy the chapter.

"Let's have another round!" chanted the slightly tipsy teens as they danced to the music. John, finally showing his true colours as the rebellious teen he was, had snuck in a bottle of cheap wine for Alex's leaving party. He hadn't brought enough to make them actually drunk, and he was carefully moderating their behaviour, but it was nice to see them having fun for once.  
Alex stood up on the table, stomping his foot to gain the attention of everyone in the room. Everyone turned to face Alex, and the music stopped playing.  
"Thank you everyone for coming here tonight to celebrate my release from Hell. The week I've had here has been well… hell, but I wouldn't have wanted anything else. I know that everyone in this room will eventually be set free to live better lives, and on that note, I'd like everyone to raise a glass. To Freedom!"  
"To freedom" they echoed as the final song of the night came on and they all danced like they were running out of time.  
Alex made his way over to where john was standing, "Hi,"  
"Hello Alex, that was a nice speech you made back there," John smiled.  
"God he's cute," Alex mumbled under his breath.  
"What was that, Alex?"  _Oh shit, I said that out loud?_  Alex thought, mortified.  
"I – uh.. I said this party is pretty cute. It's uh, nice of them to do this," Alex said, blushing furiously, "Wow, I'm really tired, I better go to bed, after all, it's a big day tomorrow, I get my freedom back," Alex said as he rushed off to his room. Knowing sleep was not going to come, Alex let his mind wander to the events of the week. So much had happened in one week, he went to Group, which Alex actually found really helpful, he found out that Gil and John knew each other. He went to his farewell party and drank cheap wine, which got him tipsy enough to accidentally call John cute in front of him. He had fun at Hell, but was eager to go home. Alex closed his eyes for a moment and drifted into a peaceful sleep.  
Alex woke early the next morning, excited for his release. He ran into the bathroom and got dressed in record time. Looking at the time, Alex realized he still had an hour before breakfast. Alex picked up a pen and began to write. Alex was writing a letter to John. He wasn't going to give it to him of course, but he just wanted to write it anyway. It was so tupid honestly, but he couldn't help himself. John was all he could think about since he met him. It seriously was getting out of hand. But he wrote the letter anyway.

_John,  
If you told me a week ago that I'd be writing this letter, I would've laughed in your face. But I guess things change. To tell you the truth, I've always hated change, hated the lack of control that comes with it. But without that change, I would never have met you. Ever since my mom died, I knew that when I died, I was going to do it. I've tried to kill myself 5 times, but I couldn't seem to die. Maybe that was because I wasn't supposed to die by my own hand. Regardless, I don't regret that I'm still here. God, there aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe how glad I am that we met, how amazing you are. I thought I was so smart but when I'm around you, you blow me away and I'm rendered helpless…_

The bell for breakfast cut Alex's sentence short as he shoved his notebook into his backpack and made his way to the cafeteria.  
"Morning, Alex," Burr greeted.  
"Morning,"  
"well today's the day!" Burr gave Alex a hug, "I'm happy for you," Burr smiled but Alex could see the hurt in his eyes,  
"Hey, Aaron, I know you can get out of here one day. One thing that helped me start to not want to die as much was knowing I had people who loved and cared about me. I'm going to do that for you." Alex scribbled his phone number on a scrap piece of paper, "Here, call me whenever you're down or when you doubt that someone would care if you were to die, because Aaron? If nobody else, I care about you. I see the pain behind your mask."  
Alex could see tears building in Aaron's eyes, "Alex… thank you,"  
After breakfast, Alex walked reluctantly to Dr. Cloude's office. Alex knocked on her door and waited for a reply.  
"come in, Alex!" She called. Alex walked into the room and sat on an armchair opposite Dr. Cloude.  
"Good morning Alex," she greeted with a smile," What would you like to talk about today?"  
"I'm kind of worried about going back home… I'm really excited to be out of here – no offense – but I'm scared for what will happen once I'm there. I don't want to be treated like a glass doll or a kicked puppy, but that's what people do. Gil was there when I passed out after overdosing, I hate that he had to see that, that I hurt him. I just want it to go back to what it was like before I attempted."  
"So you don't want your family to worry about you, is that right?"  
"yeah, don't want them to walk on eggshells around me just because I tried to kill myself,"  
Dr. Cloude nodded, "I can understand that. Your family, they will worry about you, suicide is something that needs to be addressed, even though it might seem easier to just forget it ever happened,"  
"I hurt Gil, I don't know how to fix that. I see the pain his eyes whenever I see him. He was there on the day I overdosed. He read my suicide note aloud, thinking it was my other writing. It broke him. It's because of him I'm even here right now, instead of rotting in the ground, and how do I repay him? By making him miserable," Alex buried his head in his hands as a tear ran down his cheek.  
"Alex, Gil cares about you. It must have been really hard for him to read your note, to see the pain that you hid. Seeing a friend go through something like this is really scary, but you know Gil really loves you and he just wants you to get better. Tell Gil how much he helped you, he'll be happy to hear that you are getting better and that he helped you," Alex nodded, deciding to talk to Gil the next time they were alone, "I'm sorry Alex, but our time is up for today. Your family should be here in ten minutes to take you home,"  
"Thanks," Alex replied as he walked out of the office, back to his room to finish packing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if the therapy scene was bad. I've never been in therapy so i have no idea what its like.


	7. Hamilton's coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Free from his week in hell, Alex can finally come home. But he soon finds that a week in Hell wont automatically solve all of his problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't particularly like this chapter very much but I'm ging to post it anyway. Thank you to all those who have read, commented, bookmarked, or given kudos, it really means a lot.  
> (and yes i know, posting 3 times in a day is pretty good, I'm lowkey (highkey) procrastinating editing an essay for my english class by editing these chapters and posting them. Hope you enjoy  
> ** Trigger Warning: implied and mention of self harm and blood (glossed over the actual action but showed the aftemath)  
> Please feel free to skip over this chapter or this fic entirely if you need to (This chapter is mostly filler so if you skip it, you wont be missing anything important)

Alex walked to the car, mentally exhausted. He'd just spent the last 20 minutes talking about his release, saying the right words to get him free, setting up safety plans and therapy appointments. Even though he knew they were only trying to help him, Alex found the conversation pointless and lackluster. He was ecstatic to finally be going home.  _Wait, since when have I called it home? I'm just the burdensome orphan immigrant they were obliged to take into their care. It's not my home, I lost my home years ago._  Alex was so lost in his unpleasant thoughts, he didn't hear when George asked him something.  
"Earth to Alex, you in there?" George said, making Alex jump slightly  
"huh?"  
"ah, there you are. Welcome back," George joked, "I asked whether you'd like to get a pizza for lunch?"  
"sure, sounds great," Alex wasn't very hungry but he didn't want to upset them.  
Not too long after, they arrived at the pizza place and were waiting for their food to come.  
"So Alex, are you planning on joining school next week?" Gil asked. Eagerly, Alex looked to George.  
"Hopefully. I can't wait to go back into school," Gil looked dumbfounded as George cleared his throat.  
"If you're so eager to get back into school, I'm sure we can arrange to register you on Monday and you can start on Tuesday," he said as the pizza was placed on their table, "but if you don't feel ready, we can wait another week," he added.  
Alex shook his head, "I'd like to get back into a normal routine, I think it would help," he answered honestly. George nodded as he grabbed a slice and took a bite.  
"Mon ami, are you going to eat something?" Gil asked, when nearly all of the pizza had been eaten.  
"I'm not all that hungry," he replied, "I had a really big breakfast," Alex lied, in truth he hadn't eaten in almost three days. He just didn't have an appetite.  
"come on Alex, just eat one piece, please," Martha said in a soft, yet firm tone. Reluctantly Alex chose the smallest piece and took a large bite out of it, to prove that he was fine.  
The drive back was mostly uneventful, Alex just listened to Gil's conversation with the Washington's. Eventually, they arrived back at the house.  
"you boys can go upstairs to your rooms, I'm sure your both pretty tired out. I'll call you when dinner is ready," Martha said as everyone stepped out of the car. Alex walked up the stairs and into his own room. When he opened his door, he saw the bottles from the sleeping pills and painkillers on the ground. Alex took a deep breath and put the bottles in the bin as silent tears ran freely down his cheeks. Walking into his en suite bathroom to wash his face, Alex tried not to notice the blade on the sink, reflecting the light. He walked out of the room, desperate to distract himself. _I don't want to do this he told himself I don't need this to make me feel better_ Alex hoped one day he'd believe himself. however for the time being, it was enough to just tell himself, even if he didn't believe it. Alex checked the time, 4:36 pm. I'll go talk to Gil. If at 4:46 I still need to, I will. Alex told himself, walking out of his room to talk to Gil.  
Alex hesitated for a moment before knocking on Gil's door.  
"Come in!" He called. Alex opened the door and walked inside. "Alex, Mon ami. What's up?"  
**"Gil, can we talk?"**  Alex asked, reverting into French, where it felt safer.  
**"Of course, are you okay?"**  Gil asked, concerned.  
**"Yeah I'm okay. I just need to say something,"**  He took a deep breath,  **"Gil, I'm so sorry you had to see me the night I overdosed, I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you or George or Martha about how I felt, I guess I was scared how you would react. I also wanted to thank you, it's because of your kindness and caring about me that I no longer want to kill myself as much. I don't know where I'd be without you, Gil,"**  
Gil's face was wet with tears as he ran across the room to hug Alex. "Mon Petit Lion," he sobbed, not able to say anything else. The two of them sat hugging each other, sobbing into each other's arms until Gil heard Alex's breath even out. Gil wondered how much sleep Alex had gotten the past week. He couldn't blame Alex though, as he'd had difficulty sleeping as well. Carefully, Gil reached to pick Alex up and set him down on his bed, Gil noted how painfully light Alex was and wondered if he had eaten properly.  
Gil walked down the stairs to spend some time with his parents. George was mashing potatoes while Martha washed was stirring a pot of gravy.  
"Hello, Maman et Papa. Do you need help?" Martha looked up from her pot and smiled,  
"Hey Gil, I was just about to come up and tell you boys that dinner should be ready in about 10 minutes. If you'd like to, you can set the table, that would be a huge help," Gil nodded, grabbing the cutlery and plates and set them at the table. He then went upstairs to tell Alex that the food was nearly ready. The room was empty when he got there, so Gil went to Alex's room and knocked on the door.  
"Just a second," came Alex's voice, slightly muffled by the closed door. A minute or so later, Alex opened the door.  
"Gil!" He said, his voice slightly shaky.  
"Dinner will be ready about 10 minutes," Gil said before turning around and walking back the way he came.  
Alex took in a shaky breath and walked back into the bathroom to finish cleaning the blood. Once he'd got it all off, Alex began to inspect his clothing. Alex cursed under his breath as he noticed the bloodstains on his clothing, his last set of clean clothes. Alex squirted some hand soap directly onto his shorts and started to scrub aggressively at the stains with a washer. Once the majority of the stains had lightened, he stashed away his blade and decided to have a quick shower. As he sat in the shower, the scalding water turning his skin red as it hit, Alex felt sobs wrack is body as he thought of is failure. He hadn't made it a day back before cutting himself again. Alex clenched his fist as he thought of how much he hated himself, how he fucked up everything, how he wished he could have just fucking died, he'd have enough chances to. Alex stood and turned off the water as he grabbed his towel. Quickly, he dressed and walked down the stairs.


	8. I panic for a second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has a bad nightmare and his family try to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. This chapter is definitely more of a filler chapter. I was writing my way through writers block and this came out. The next chapter, however makes up for it as it is double my usual word count and I actually kinda like it (which never happens)  
> Warnings - **Panic attack, nightmare, implied child abuse (has a nightmare and later has thoughts about it), kinda eating disorder behaviour, mention of cutting**

_A sense of wrongness filled the room, so strong he could taste it. Panic at the pitch black darkness; not knowing what's to come, but knowing what's to come all the same. The intoxicating scent of alcohol filled the room, leaving too little air to breathe. His eyes closed, waiting for the pain to come as he bites back a scream and holds back the tears. Wishing for it all to stop, to be taken adrift by consciousness. Wishing to be finally free._

Alex jolted awake, a mix of sweat and tears running down his face. He felt his whole body shaking violently, as he struggled to catch his breath that came in short, quick gasps. His chest was on fire as he tried, but failed to regulate his breathing. Alex counted in his head, trying to get his breaths to match up like he'd been taught. But his attempts were all in vain. Alex clawed at his throat as he continued to hyperventilate, he felt like he was dying. His rational mind told him he was just having a panic attack, but his rational mind was quickly silenced by his panic. Alex didn't even notice when his door swung open, when a terrified Gil walked in and held him, desperate to help, but not knowing how. He barely registered when a desperate scream echoed through the air, begging for help to come. Alex didn't see George and Martha walk into the room. It felt like he was underwater, he was drowning. He heard George say something, but it came to him warped and indiscernible. However, he heard it all the same. The repetitive counting, "Un, Deux, Trois. Un, Deux, Trois," Alex focused on the counting, allowing all of his anxiety and pain fall to the back of his mind. Slowly, Alex's breaths became slower and longer, until eventually he opened his eyes, looking into the concerned faces of his family. Gil ran up and gave him a huge hug. Alex winced at the pain coming from his leg as he hugged Gil back.

"I'm sorry," Alex croaked after coming away from the hug.  
"Non, Mon Ami. Don't apologise, you did nothing wrong,"  
"Gil is right, sweetie," Martha added, "Having a panic attack is out of your control, it's not your fault," Alex just silently nodded, as he shakily stood and grabbed his clothes.  
"I'll leave you to get dressed," Martha said as she led Gil out of the room. 

Alex showered and got dressed quickly, before taking his notebook out of his bag. His therapist at the ward, Dr Cloude, had suggested he wrote every morning about his thoughts and feelings. At first, Alex was hesitant; He didn't think writing in a diary would do anything but leave blackmail material lying around. However after the first few days, he realised it did help to write things down. 

_I had hoped it would be better after I left Hell, but I'm still having panic attacks daily and I couldn't even stop myself from cutting for a single day. I still can't believe how weak and pathetic I am. I dreamt about Him again. Well, it was more of a nightmare really. I'm sick of it. I've just managed to escape after 2 years, and now he haunts my mind. I haven't really wanted to kill myself as seriously lately. I mean, I'm not exactly looking both ways before I cross the road, but If you handed me a gun, I wouldn't shoot myself.  
Sighing, Alex placed the notebook into his bedside drawer and locked it before grabbing his phone and listening to loud music on full blast. Music was good, Alex thought. Music doesn't care if you're a bastard, or an immigrant. It just holds you up, makes you feel less alone. Alex wondered where he'd be if it weren't for his music, to lift his spirits when he was down, to drown out the storms that reminded him of the Hurricane, to mask the awkward silences driving from one failed foster home to the next. _

Alex made his way downstairs. He sat down at the kitchen table and sat with his family while they ate. Martha looked up from her meal, "Alex, aren't you hungry?" Alex shook his head, just the thought of food was making him nauseous, and the hunger pangs were keeping his mind clear, almost like cutting.  
"Come on sweetie, just eat a piece of toast," Alex groaned, but grabbed a slice of toast and started pulling it apart while making conversation with them.  
"So gil, what are you planning on doing today?"  
"I'm going with John and Herc to the mall later today to pick up some stuff. I was going to ask if you'd like to come?" Gil was bouncing with excitement, and Alex couldn't bear to decline. However, he knew he would much rather be in his room alone than be forced into a crowded area by a group of strangers.


	9. Never Had A Group Of Friends Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has been invited to go shopping with Gil and his friends, but with his anxiety against him every second, will the day end in disaster?

As it drew closer to the time they were leaving, Alex felt dread grow stronger inside of him. _I don't think I can do this. I don't want to disappoint Gil, though._ Alex didn't know what to do. Gil's friends were coming at 11:30 and Alex only had 15 minutes left to get ready and prepare himself. He'd spent the past several hours panicking and trying to calm himself down. _This is ridiculous_ , he thought, _I can't even think about going to a shop without dissolving into fear. I'll for sure make an idiot of myself if I turn into a blubbering mess in public. I really shouldn't go. I would just get in the way. Anyway, Gil didn't really want to go out with me, he just felt obligated to invite me._ His thoughts went on like this, until he finally decided that he wouldn't be able to handle going. The only issue now was telling Gil after he'd already agreed to come. He just sat on his bed, alone with his thoughts, completely unsure of what to do. Suddenly, he heard a knock on his door before an overexcited Gil bounded through,  
"Mon Ami! Are you ready?" He called excitedly. When he saw Alex sitting on the bed, shrunken in on himself, his eyebrows furrowed and he touched Alex on the shoulder lightly. Ignoring the slight jump at his touch, Gil looked into Alex's eyes, "what is wrong, Lion?" Alex stared at his shoes as a tear slipped from his eye,  
"I c-can't," he said shakily as several more tears made their way down his face.  
"It's okay, Mon Petit. It is hard for you, I understand. Me, Laurens and Herc can get your things for you while we are out, and after, we can watch a movie with you, If that's okay," Alex hugged Gil, tears streaming down his face as he thanked him. Downstairs, Alex could hear the doorbell ring followed by Herc's voice booming through the house. Gil stood up smiling at Alex before leaving the room, "see you in a bit Alex." Alex smiled slightly at Gil's retreating back before putting his headphones in and getting lost in the music.  
About an hour later, there was a knock at Alex's door. After hearing his muffled, "come in," George came into his room.  
"Martha has made some lunch for us, would you like to come down and eat with us?" Although Alex didn't feel like going down and having to make conversation, his stomach was protesting with him at the lack of food. Standing shakily, he followed George to the dining room. When he got to the table he was astounded to see the mountain of sandwiches piled on top of each other in the middle of the table. At first, Alex was hesitant, still not used to being presented with food so easily and being allowed to eat without punishment. Although he knew George and Martha were different, he still forced himself not to touch a crumb until he was told. "Help yourself Alex. I'll never be able to get through all of these on my own," At George's words, Alex reluctantly nibbled at the crust of the triangle of bread he was holding. Eventually, his hunger got the best of him, and before he knew it, he'd eaten half of the middle plate. Martha chuckled, "got a bit of an appetite, I see," Alex crouched back instinctively, bracing himself for the inevitable pain. But it never came. Looking up, he saw George and Martha happily eating, not looking at all like they were going to harm him. He could never be sure though.  
"So, Alex," Martha said, "Are you still wanting to go to school on Monday?" She asked. At the mention of school, Alex perked up. While he knew it would be hard at first, with his panic attacks and past experience with bullies, he was eager to get back to a sense of normalcy. He was extremely nervous about going to a new school, but was more than ready for a distraction from his tortured mind.  
"Yeah," he replied, "I'd like to start as soon as I can." The thing that Alex missed most about going to school was debating club. For some reason, whenever he was up there, presenting his opinion in a debate, all of his anxious thoughts quieted. It was nice to have a break from it all, even for a couple of minutes.  
Alex was broken from his thoughts by the sound of George's voice, "I completely forgot! Alex, you need to take your medication," George stood, walking over to the locks on the high cabinet in the kitchen. Alex sighed, while he knew it has to keep him safe, he hated how he couldn't keep his medication in his room, and be able to take it without someone else present. After his most recent attempt on his life, the doctors recommended anything he could use to harm himself be kept out of reach. He couldn't even use metal cutlery unsupervised, it majorly sucked. He felt so out of control. What surprised Alex most, was that they hadn't noticed all his blades. It seemed they stopped searching after they found three. Alex took his cocktail of anti-anxiety and anti-depressants with a gulp of water. This, he hated as well, having to be drugged up to stop him from dissolving into a blubbering mess or grabbing the nearest knife and offing himself.  
After making his way through half a plate of sandwiches, Alex's stomach began to protest. Before he had time to react, Alex felt the food rushing back up. Excusing himself as quickly as he could, Alex ran upstairs to his bathroom and kicked the door closed. He made it to the toilet just as his stomach began to empty itself. He kept going until nothing came up except bile. After he'd finished, Alex went to the sink and brushed his teeth, desperate to get rid of the foul taste in his mouth. Just as he finished up, he heard a knock at his door.  
"Come in," Martha opened the door,  
"Alex, Gil's back with John and Hercules. They're in Gil's room. They were wondering if you'd feel up to hanging out with them," Alex took a breath. He could do this. It was too soon to go out, but he was okay with hanging out inside. He just hoped it wouldn't be too weird seeing john outside of the hospital.  
"Okay, thank you. I'll be there in a moment," Martha left the room, leaving Alex to prepare himself.  
Alex walked to Gil's room and knocked on the door frame. Gil got up from the floor and bounded over to Alex,  
"Mon Ami! Come in. We are just playing Board games," Alex chuckled,  
"Oh no! Is that Monopoly I see? Are you trying to get us all to hate each other before we've even really met!," Alex said in mock horror.  
"Where are my manners? I totally forgot to introduce you to my friends," Gil said, as he walked over to the tall, muscular person sitting next to John, "This is Herc. His real name is Hercules, but he'll kill you if you call him that. Don't be alarmed by his size, he really is just a big squishy teddy bear," Gil explained, demonstrating what he said by giving him a bone crushing hug.  
Herc swatted Gil away, "Aw, come on Laf, don't blow my cover!" Alex was full on laughing now, followed by the others.  
When they all got their breath back, Gil resumed his introductions, "So you've met john," Alex nodded.  
Herc raised his eyebrow at Alex, "You've met john before?" Alex's eyes widened. Herc didn't know about anything. Alex wasn't sure he wanted to tell him either. Luckily, seeing Alex's distress, John swooped in and saved him,  
"Yeah, we passed by each other a few times last week. His reaction was hilarious when he realised I knew Gil. You should've seen his face," John pulled a face, imitating Alex, causing everyone to break out into laughter again as the worry inside Alex dissolved. For the next hour they played Monopoly, where Herc's annoyed shrieks of, "Really! I just gave you money! This is rigged," could be heard from downstairs. By the time they were called for dinner, it was a miracle that all the pieces still remained intact.  
They sat at the table, Gil and John on either side of Alex, while Herc sat next to George and Martha, as far away from John and Gil as possible. "I can't believe you guys won," he grumbled, "I am the king of Board Games,"  
Gil smiled, "It was all thanks to Alex, really. If you didn't keep landing on his land, John and I wouldn't have stood a chance," he said cheerfully.  
Alex, who had come second, replied bitterly, "Yeah. You used my hard work to crush Herc and then over take me!" He said, feigning annoyance. Everyone started eating their food, spaghetti and meatballs, courtesy of Martha. Alex decided to offer his help for the next meal, after all, he wasn't all that bad at cooking. Alex learnt fast. Anyone would if they were forced to make every meal for his previous guardians or face punishments. But Alex didn't feel resentment to this skill, he enjoyed having something other than writing and speaking that we was adept in. Alex loved cooking, eating, not so much. Alex looked at his plate longingly, Spaghetti and Meatballs, his favourite food. The streamy smell of freshly cooked pasta and tomatoes wafted into his nose. Just a few bites, He thought, I should be able to keep a few bites down. Realizing he had zoned out, Alex listened back into the conversation,  
"So what movie do you guys think we should use?" Asked John  
"I don't care what we watch, as long as it's not Harry potter," said Herc, at the same time Gil said, "Harry Potter!" which caused the whole table to burst into laughter,  
"He always wants to watch Harry Potter!" Hercules said, exasperated. "I'd be surprised if he didn't have all the movies memorised by heart," Herc said Jokingly.  
Gil feigned hurt, "Come on, be realistic. Only the first three, what do you take me for?"  
"WAIT WHAT?! I was kidding! You can't be serious,"  
Gil didn't look abashed in the least, "Come on, Mon Ami, what did you expect? Harry potter is my favourite series,"  
Through their banter, Alex was confused, "Harry Potter? I think I've heard of that. It's the one where the wizard goes to school to learn how to kill some Mouldyshorts guy right?"  
Everyone at the table, including George and Martha dissolved into fits of laughter, occasionally stopping to exclaim, "Mouldyshorts!?" Eventually Alex joined in, laughing at himself.  
When the laughter stopped, he saw Gil wiping tears of mirth from his face, "We HAVE to watch Harry Potter!" Hercules and John groaned but agreed. They couldn't leave Alex not knowing about Harry Potter.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex watches Harry Potter for the first time, but Gil can't help himself. Alex and John have a deep conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, ok, so this chapter was unexpected. I had no real plan for it so it kind of wrote itself. I'm quite proud of it though, It's 2400 ish words which is better than my average 1000 and it didn't feel too forced or cringy. (Also, have i mentioned that I wrote this past my bedtime, the day before I have 5 assignments due which I haven't started? Oops.)
> 
> ok, onto the notices:  
> *******WARNINGS PLEASE READ********  
> So, this chapter is quite a heavy one, we've got panic attacks, we've got mentions of child abuse, we've got internalised homophobia (kinda). We go there in this chapter. It includes a flashback scene with descriptions of actions, as well as a retelling of abuse (non graphic). Emotions are running high in this episode. So, if anything in this episode triggers you, or you'd rather not read it, I'll leave a description in the end notes and you can read that and remain safe. Your safety is my top priority, so if you ever need to skip a chapter, or the whole story entirely, I wont be offended. Because at the end of the day, this is just a combination of words on a page, and you are worth so much more than that.  
> Ok, that's all, you're free to read.***********
> 
> (Also I got the idea for Gil to recite the lines of Harry Potter from myself. I am an absolute Potter nerd and I absolutely cannot help myself. At my birthday party this year (HP themed) We had a potter marathon and my friends got so annoyed with me because I kept saying the lines with the characters, said the lines that would be coming up, and spoiled the next scene because I would get over excited and recite the next scene. Oops. (˵ ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°˵)ﾉ⌒♡*:･。.

"Laf! Stop it!" Herc shouted, swatting Gil on the arm lightly, "We all know you can recite every single line, quit showing off!" The rest of the group laughed as Gil turned his back to the group,  
"Va te faire foutre! Tu es juste jaloux de mes incroyables compétences!" **(Kiss my ass! You're just jealous of my incredible skills)** Alex's giggles only intensified with the utterly confused looks on Herc's and John's faces, "Would you like to repeat that, in English?" John asked, bemused.  
“I’m not sure you want him too,” Alex laughed, joined by the others, “Okay, let’s get back to the movie, I really want to know if Harry gets killed by Fluffy. By the way, who the hell names a Cerberus Fluffy?” He asked incredulously. He pressed play and the movie started back up. John threw a piece of popcorn at Gil as he, one again, recited the next line under his breath.  
   
The night continued like this, Gil getting periodically assaulted for spoiling a major plot point simply out of excitement, as the others groaned in exasperation. Alex didn’t mind though, he was just happy to feel so included, so normal. He was able to forget about the bastard, the orphan, the useless immigrant he was, because around his new friends, he was just Alex. Alex thought about Harry, how he was famous, how everyone knew of him. Alex decided he wanted to be like that, liked, admired. He wanted a movie written about him, or better yet, a musical; Music makes everything better. He hoped that his life would get better, more interesting so people would have something to talk about. Alex was shaken out of his thoughts as Gil broke down into loud, howling sobs. “Dobby was a free elf!” He cried, clutching onto Herc’s shoulder, wiping his nose on his t-shirt,  
“Oh Gross! Get over yourself, it’s just a movie. One you’ve seen millions of times—” Gil started shaking Herc by the shoulders, shouting, “JUST A MOVIE?!”. Alex flinched, memories rising to the top of his head as he desperately flung them back. John charged towards to the two, in an attempt to separate them, but he only served to turn their little squabble into an all-out pillow fight.  
   
As Alex bent down to pick up another pillow, he didn’t notice the projectile flying straight for his head at top speed. With no time to process what had happened, his mind took over and sent him into a full-blown panic. Alex curled into a ball as memories flew into his brain, hitting him full force. Suddenly, he was no longer in Gil’s bedroom watching a movie, but back with Him.  
   
_The blows came hard and fast, with no sign of relenting. Alex instinctively curled into a ball, feebly trying to protect his head with his arms, before He gave him a swift kick to the ribs,_  
“Coward! Get up and fight like a real man!”  
Alex couldn’t help himself, the hits he received only intensified his anger, “And kicking someone smaller than you while they’re down isn’t?” But He was not in the mood for Alex’s shit today,  
“YOU’RE GOING TO REGRET THE DAY YOU WERE BORN!” He screamed before throwing Alex into the wall. What he did next changed Alex forever. It was too much to even think of. But suffice to say, since then, Alex was never really the same.  
   
“Alex!” Please no more  
“Alex!” Please  
   
“Alex! Tell me where you are,” Alex scrunched his eyes up, not wanting to answer the voice that would only bring him pain.  
“Please don’t make me do this.”  
“No, Alex. Open your eyes, tell me what you can see,” Alex slowly opened his eyes as instructed, bracing himself to see Him. But He wasn’t there. Alex couldn’t see Him or His bed, or His house at all. What he saw when he opened his eyes was not what he expected at all, three terrified faces staring at him worriedly. “Gil?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper.  
Gil crouched down to hug him “Merde. I’m so sorry, Mon ami. I didn’t realise that would hurt you. You just shut off. Are you okay?”  
Alex let out a shaky breath, “Yeah, I’m alright now. Sorry about that. I just got a bit startled, that’s all, no harm done,” Gil sighed, knowing he would get no other response from him.  
“Well the movies are finished now, how about we head to bed,” Herc suggested, thoroughly shaken from the whole ordeal.. John yawned, “Good idea Herc, but where exactly are we sleeping?” He asked, gesturing to the single bed and trundle beneath it.  
“SHOTGUN SLEEPING WITH HERC!” Gil yelled, a little too quickly, earning a laugh from the others as a blush spread across his cheeks.  
“Guess that means you’re stuck with me,” John turned to Alex, bemused, “If that’s okay with you?” Alex couldn’t exactly turn him down, though the thought of sharing a bed made him feel a little sick. It was okay though, Alex didn’t plan on sleeping anyway, besides, John was kind of cute. _Excuse me, what? Cute? Are you kidding me?_ Alex shook his thoughts away as he realised he hadn’t replied to john, “Of course, that’s fine. Sorry about that, I zoned out for a second there.” John chuckled as he threw himself onto the trundle. Except he didn’t. He completely missed the bed and fell onto the ground instead. John pouted as he rubbed his butt, causing the others to laugh even harder. “It’s not funny,” he grumbled, crossing his arms, which only incited more hysterical laughter at his expense.  
No one was able to sleep after that, each of them causing the other to laugh hysterically, until they decided to stop pretending to try to sleep. “So, what should we do now?” Herc asked.  
“What is that game you Americans play, ‘truth and dare’?”  
“That’s usually more of a middle school thing,” John replied.  
“I’ve never actually played truth or dare,” Alex mumbled under his breath.  
“WHAT!?” Alex flinched slightly as Herc and John, stared at him in disbelief,  
“What kind of sad life must someone have to never have watched Harry Potter or played Truth or Dare. Those are the staple of any childhood, no matter how awful!” Herc exclaimed. Alex shrugged. “well it’s ok. I’m sure you’ve at least tried Oreos before?” Herc pressed on. Alex stared at his shoes guiltily, “what’s an oreo?” he asked in a tiny voice. John, sensing his distress placed a hand on his shoulder, silencing Herc’s retort,  
“Well you’re in luck mate, because from today on, you will be in the dark no more,”  
After that, they played truth or dare…with a slight twist. In order to introduce Alex to Oreos, they decided to add them into the game. John’s turn was up next,  
“Gil,” he said, “truth or dare?”  
“Dare,”  
“I dare you to take a shot of vinegar,” John said smirking as he picked up an Oreo, offering the opposite side to Gil. They each held one face of the cookie as the twisted it apart. John looked down and the cookie and a look of mock terror crossed his face, “Oh shit, what have I done to myself?”  
“Ha!” Cried Gil, “Your half has less cream, which means you have to do my dare,” he declared, laughing as John reluctantly poured out some vinegar into a bottle cap. John grimaced as he swallowed the foul liquid, “I am never eating salt and vinegar chips again!” He shuddered. Gil turned to Alex,  
“Mon Lion, Truth or dare?”  
“Truth.” Almost everyone was choosing Dare, it was getting old.  
“Hmm, that is a hard one. Uh, I do not know what to ask him, any ideas?” Gil asked turning to Herc and John. John shrugged, still trying to get the awful taste off his mouth.  
“How about…. If you had one wish, what would it be?” He asked. Alex thought about this. If you asked him a few weeks ago, he would wish to die, without having to even consider it. But now, he wasn’t sure. He thought about everything that had happened to him, meeting Him, his cousin killing himself, his mother dying. He felt a familiar pang in his gut at the thought of his mother.  
“My mother,” he said, tears stinging his eyes. John placed a shoulder on his shoulder,  
“I know what that's like,” he said sadly, "my mother when I was born."  
“I’m sorry,”  
“It’s okay, I never really met her, so I guess losing her wasn’t as hard as it could have been. I just wish my Father didn’t blame me for it. It’s not like I could control it,” Alex felt a twinge of sympathy for John,  
“I hope he isn’t too bad to you, I know how people can get when they are angry, even if you did nothing wrong,” Alex shuddered. John didn’t like the sound of that, the way Alex seemed to talk like he knew from experience.  
“Well that conversation was a huge mood killer. I’m going to bed,” Herc said, snuggling under the sheets and closing his eyes. Not too long after, Gil followed him.  
~~~ It was 3:48 AM. Alex was staring, annoyed, at the blinking cursor that seemed to taunt him, laughing at him for this dumb writers’ block he was stuck in. It usually came as second nature to him, he could write thousands of words in minutes, so focused on the words dancing across the screen that nothing could distract him, it was his escape. But for some reason, he was distracted. There was a lingering thought in the back of his mind, eating away at him. He remembered how John’s eyes glazed over when he mentioned his father, how his shoulders tensed. It was all too familiar. Painfully familiar. And the words. The words are what got to Alex the most.  
_I just wish my Father didn’t blame me for it._  
And the unspoken ones tacked onto it, the secret message that only those who went through it would understand. And that was it, the worry, the tiny fragment of fear, that kept Alex’s page glaringly blank, and his mind so full. Alex snuck a look at John’s sleeping body, watching as his chest rise and fell melodically with each breath, watching him unconsciously utter a syllable every now and then. Watching as his eyes squeezed shut. Watching his body curl into itself. Watching him whimper in fear. Alex jumped up from the desk he was sitting at and ran over to John, lightly shaking him, hoping not to startle him.  
“John!” He whisper-yelled, “John, wake up! You are safe. It’s just a dream.” But Alex knew that it likely wasn’t. He knew that it was almost certainly a memory, not a dream. John startled, staring at Alex with wide eyes, “Are you okay, John?” John sat up quickly,  
“I’m sorry for waking you up. I’m fine, it was just a dream.”  
“You don’t have to pretend. I get them, too. Do you want to talk about it?”  
“Not really,” Alex smiled softly,  
“neither do I. But it does help, and I’d rather talk than sit in silence,” John chuckled nervously, his eyes directed at the floor, not making eye contact,  
"I don’t know if I can," He said, his voice barely above a whisper, "It's hard to talk about something you've kept to yourself for so long."  
Alex sat down beside John, “Take your time.” John nodded, still in a staring contest with his shoes.  
After a long moment of silence, he finally spoke, his eyes fixed to his shoes, “I don’t usually get nightmares as bad as tonight. I guess talking about my mother triggered the feelings. I don’t really know. My earliest memory is of him yelling at me, telling me I killed my mother. He said it enough that I believed it. I would cry myself to sleep every night, so angry with myself for killing her. I accepted everything he would do because I knew I deserved it. I remember one time, when I was around 9 or 10, I walked myself to the police station in tears, telling them I’d killed her. They knew of what happened, and they told me it wasn’t my fault, that sometimes women die giving birth, and it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. But I didn't believe them. I ran home crying, I begged him to beat me, to teach me to do better. I just never understood why I killed her." John aggressively swiped the traitorous tears with his jumper sleeve. Alex put his hand on his shoulder reassuringly,  
"It wasn't your fault, John. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve any of it," Alex said, tears stinging his own eyes at the thought of his friend in so much pain. No one should have to go through that. Alex embraced John's shaking form as he let out a series of soul wrenching sobs. Alex sat there, offering reassurances, as John let out the childhood trauma that had been nagging at the back of his mind for so long. After a few minutes, John wiped his eyes, his hands were still shaking from them memories, but he felt much better letting it all out. He hadn't really ever properly talked about that before, and it felt good to have the weight off his shoulders.  
"Thank you, Alex. I really needed that," he said gratefully, "I honestly have no words to express my gratitude to you for that, sorry about your shirt though. I may have taken the term 'a shoulder to cry on' a little too literally," Alex chuckled, glad to have helped John. After that, the two of them finally went back to the trundle and went to sleep. Little did John know, however, that Alex was planning something as he closed his eyes, something that would change John's life for the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary:
> 
> Alex and the gang watch Harry potter. Gil wont stop reciting the lines with the characters of the movie. Gil cries over the death of a character, Herc says its just a movie. Gil rages at Herc. John tries to separate them but it ends in an all out pillow fight. Alex gets caught off guard with a pillow to the back or the head which causes a flashback. Once he comes back to the real world, Herc finds out that Alex has never played truth or dare or eaten Oreos (side effect of his awful life) they decide to remedy this by playing a modified version of truth or dare involving Oreos. The game ends with Alex saying his one wish is his mother, John mentions his own mother. After everyone is asleep, John has a nightmare and he talks to Alex about the nightmare and what caused it. Alex starts to formulate a plan to help John.


	11. An Update.... (Not a chapter, sorry)

Hey guys. I have a few things I need to explain. Sorry for the inconvenience, I am hoping there will be a new chapter soon (I'm putting a trigger warning here as I will be breifly mentioning some topics that some may not wish to hear, although, if you've read this far, you've read worse than what I am about to say. This warning is here nonetheless. I wish you all to be safe and happy.)

Exactly one year ago today, I decided to write a story. The idea kind of came to me randomly and I ran with it, thus the first chapter was born. I was proud of it. I was on the verge of tears writing it, because the words I wrote were real, so hauntingly similar. I wrote this as a sort of almost therapy for me. I wasn't in a great place mentally and I was considering taking my life and self-harming (I am getting better now tho). I didn't plan on it going further than that. I didn't plan on posting it. but i did. I posted it, barely edited to fanfiction.net. I didn't expect to be noticed. I didn't expect a single comment. But they came. I kept writing chapters, and silently cringing at them, but people seemed to not hate it, so I continued. I used my own struggles as a guide, and exaggerated them for Alex so we can have a nice load of angst and pain because we love that. But time and time again, I wrote myself into holes. I have no plan for this, no idea of where it's going. The chapters write themselves, and sometimes I hate them. But i digress, I suppose the reason I am posting this is because I feel like I owe you guys something. I know my updating is sporadic at best and my work is riddled with mistakes. A lot of the chapters are filler and my ideas are unoriginal. But somehow people keep reading. People comment and leave kudos and I am so grateful for it, but I am scared to let you down. What started as a little story for myself has turned into a several thousand word fic that other people read. I wrote myself into a hole last chapter, in adding the john's abuse when i did. Again, I had no plan for this, it wrote itself. But with Alex now dealing with his own demons, learning to trust the Washington's, about to start school, and trying to get john safe, I have too much. I don't know where to start, or how I want it to end. So, i apologise if there's a bit of a break in posting, I'm just trying to get out of this hole i dug for myself.

 

If you have read this far, I am in need of some assistance. I am a 15 year old who has never left Australia, and therefore have no idea about the american school system, other than what i have seen in media. I have no idea what classes they take, how many classes, what their lunch times are, etc. In Australia, we are seperated by primary (prep to 6) and high school (7-12) and in my high school we have 4 60-70 minute periods with 2 lunch breaks in between (one 45 minutes, one 15 minutes). We start at 8:30 and finish at 2:30. It would be greatly appreciated if someone could give me these details for an American school and what kind of classes you would take. I'm imagining the characters are about 16-17 years old, if that helps any. 

So if you have made it thus far through my rambling, I'd like to thank you in advance if you decide to help me out with this, thank you for your patience and I once again apologise for this inconvenience. I promise to get you the new chapter as soon as I find my way out of this hole.


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